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Author Topic: Suroshi Pt2.  (Read 6002 times)

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Offline Suroshi

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Suroshi Pt2.
« on: June 14, 2017, 21:06:50 »
... Kiseki awoke laying on the ground his body acheing and mind raceing trying to understand everything that had happend he quickly leaned up gasping
but quickly relised he was no longer in the water, he was in the forest and could feel the heat of a fire aganist his back when a voice from behind
said "Good..You're awake..You know I wasnt sure if you would ever wake..I-" then was interupted by Kiseki fratically asking "Where am I..father wheres father"
as he collasped on to his back the stranger replied " You are here and I found you alone there was no one else" Kiseki released "Fath-.." before
passing back out on the ground. Two days passed before Kiseki reawoke his vision was blurry and couldnt quite make out details he seen a figure
standing over him Kiseki attempted to speak but was cut off by the strang figure over him saying "Now now you need to rest, I've seen a thing
or two in my day but this one takes the cake" Kiseki's vision cleared as his eyes fixed upon a elderly man with long white hair the man said
"You were out for days for awhile there I wasnt sure if you would make it" Kiseki has asked the elderly man where his father was as he struggled
to sit up the elderly man placed his hand on Kiseki's chest pushing him back down as he said "As I told you once before I found you alone
now lay back down and rest you damn stubborn fool" Kiseki looked up at the old man and asked "Who are you old man?" The man closed his eyes
with an annoyed look upon his face "Old man? Is this how you were raised to speak to your elders?!" Kiseki went to speak again but was cut off
in mid sentence by the man "My name is Gin Gama The Sage and now I've interupted you.. We are not even" as a smirk appeared on his old wrinkled face
Kiseki spent the next 3 years living indebted to Gin Gama The Sage, Gin Gama forced Kiseki now age 11 to do hard laboring task for him
Kiseki was also never allowed inside Gin Gama's hut which was made in to the hill side hidden from normal view. Gin Gama wasnt always a kind man
there were times where he was hard on Kiseki and broke him down emotionally forced Kiseki to kill and clean his own food leaveing him in the forest
to find his own way back, A couple times a week Gin Gama would leave his hut with out saying a word and would be gone all day Kiseki never knew
where Gin Gama was going until one say when Gin Gama had left Kiseki had broken his vow to the old man and snuck in to his hut, the hut seemed
normal and rather small with nothing of great interest as Kiseki walked around the hut panning his eyes all across the room and slideing his hand
aganist the wall he felt a loose pannel in the wall, this struck Kiseki as odd and he pushed the pannel opening a gap between them Kiseki
was able to get his small fingers inbetween the crack as he applied pressure the wall moved exposeing a hidden shelf, the shelf contained old
scrolls and ninja tools Kiseki became very interested in his new find Kiseki pulled an old scroll from the shelf and opened it and relized
these scrolls contained information about Jutsu and stories of great Shinobi Kiseki had never seen such information before he had lost himself
reading the old scrolls when out of no where he heard the stern voice of Gin Gama shouting "What in the hell do you think you're doing?!" before
Kiseki could react he felt a firm hand on his shoulder spinning him around, completely bewildered and in shock at how fast Gin Gama entered the room
and completely silently Kiseki felt a sickening sensation as he huntched over in pain by a well placed fist from Gin Gama as Gin Gama shouted
"This is my hut! You are not allowed in here, you promised to never enter this hut!" As Gin Gama began to beat Kiseki, Kiseki fell to the floor
in pain but was soon lifted off his feet and flung from inside the hut outside bounceing hard off the ground he rolled across the ground
with Gin Gama directly over him infront of his face "Explain yourself!" said Gin Gama Kiseki still in pain pushed himself off the ground
blood dripping from his mouth as he said "You're..A..Shinobi..?" Gin Gama shouted "What I am is none of your consern! You disobey me, you have
disrespected my home! but to Gin Gama's surprise Kiseki had made it to his feet stareing down Gin Gama as Kiseki shouted "You are a Shinobi!
you could have saved him!" however before Kiseki could blink Gin Gama landed one last well placed punch to his stomach" Kiseki struggled to
get to his feet as Gin Gama said "You surely are a damn stubborn fool! as Kiseki replied "Yeah..?.. Well so are you..Just admit it.. You're
shinobi" Gin Gama closed his eyes and said " I am many things" and began to walk away Kiseki stumbled towards Gin Gama reapting "You're a shinobi"
Kiseki grabbed Gin Gamma by the back of his clothes as Gin Gama turned around lowering his body in rotation takeing Kiseki off his feet saying
"Leave it be boy!" Kiseki again struggled to his feet and said.. "No.. I will never stop..I will never give up.. You think what youve done to me
will stop me..?" Gin Gama silently turned around once more and began to step away as Kiseki was leaned down on one knee and said.."TEACH ME!"
Gin Gama replied "I will teach you nothing, You are a boy, a child how could you ever become Shinobi.. I have won, I have defeated you"
Kiseki knelt over in pain as he said "I maybe beaten..But I will never be defeated" a surprised look fell upon Gin Gama's face as
Kiseki said "..You damn stubborn fool.. I will never give up..Because I am a stubborn fool aswell" Gin Gama simply smiled as he said
"You remind me of myself when I was just a boy..Aganist my better judgement I will agree to train you" Gin Gama approached Kiseki offering his
hand out, as Kiseki took ahold of Gin Gama's hand Gin Gama said "First lesson as a Shinobi.. Never trust your opponet" as Gin Gama pulled
Kiseki towards him with force Gin Gama slammed his head aganist Kiseki's head with a powerful headbutt breaking Kiseki's nose and knocking him out.
Two years had passed since Kiseki started training with Gin Gama Sage, Kiseki now age 13 and excelling quickly with Ninjutsu, Kenjutsu and mental discipline
getting better each and everyday they trained, Kiseki would train to the point of exhaustion. Each day was the same training from the moment the sun rose
until the sun set the two became extremely close and shared philosophical conversations and debates with one another Gin Gama learned a great deal about
Kiseki they spoke of his mother and father and Gin Gama learned Kiseki wasnt born in a major village or know where his parents were from
when they were not training they would play Shogi and gamble one another and go fishing just has him and his father had done before, Gin Gama had become
a teacher to Kiseki and a father figure However Gin Gama would still leave every other day instructing Kiseki to stay behind and practice alone
until the day Kiseki decided to follow the old sage, Kiseki followed Gin Gama to the entrace of dark cave well hidden from the path Kiseki waited
until Gin Gama has disappeared out of site before he snuck in to the cave to follow Gin Gama further the cave was very dark and Kiseki could barely
see but he could hear distant yells and voices he felt his way along the walls following the sounds until he could see a bright light at the end of the
tunnel once Kiseki reached the entrance the screams and yells became louder and louder the smell of salt, sweat and blood filled the air loud explotions
could be heard as people cheered when Kiseki reached the end of the tunnel it opened up to a massive underground room with cheering crowds of men standing
around spilling their drink as they aggressively taunt one another Kiseki remained in the background and got closer and was finally able to see
down below him there was a massive arena with two men fighting, these men were useing hand seals and Jutsu "Shinobi.." he said to himself
Kiseki watched as the two men battled one another as Kiseki intently watched the ongoing battle he did not notice Gin Gama approch him from behind
Gin Gama placed his hand firmly on Kiseki's shoulder and spoke in to his ear. "You didn't listen my boy" chills ran down Kiseki's spine
Kiseki was completely at a loss for words but Gin Gama said "Tell me what you think of this match?" Kiseki neverously stuttered "I-I-I dont Kn-Know"
Gin Gama said "Dont be a fool look with your eyes and tell me your thoughts" Kiseki felt more relaxed hearing the calm tone of Gin Gama, Kiseki
focused and panned his eyes back and forth on each man Kiseki's eyes switched back and forth intently Gin Gama was struck in amazement as
Kiseki explained which types of Jutsu were being used and which villages they were most likely from Kiseki was able to give personality predictions
by how each man acted and reacted Kiseki explained in great detail correct facts about each man he had never met before simply by reading their
body language and went on to explain possible logcial tactics each man could use next.. He was able to predict the strength and weaknesses of man
Kiseki went on to say as he pointed to one of the men "This one has fear..You can see it in his eyes.. He has love and has been loved.. He has
a kind heart..".. "But this one.." as he pointed to the other man "This man does not value is own life.. He has no fear.. But he is reckless, he has
never felt love..You can see it in his eyes his life has no value..However..He will win this match" A smirk appeared on Gin Gama's face as he said
"Would you like to wager that?" But before Kiseki could respond his eyes grew wide as the "reckless man" struck down the "kind hearted" man with
a tactical move Kiseki had already predicted could be used..Shock rain down upon Kiseki seeing a man lose his life for such a distasteful reason
however a glimmer would spark in Gin Gama's eye As he said "My dear boy that was amazing..However I hope you watched close enough..Because you're next"
Kiseki felt Gin Gama's hand on his back as he was pushed over the retaining wall down in to the area as Kiseki got to his feet he yelled at Gin Gama
"The hell did you do that for you old geezer! Get your ass down in this arena!" Gin Gama said with a huge smile "Ohh Im not you're opponet.. But he is!
as soon as Kiseki turned his head to see the man in the arena 4 Shurkien wizzed around him one barely grazeing his cheek as the others smashed in to the wall
out of the smoke and dust came a figure rushing towards him as he yelled out "I do not wish to fight you here, I am not your enemy!" The sounds of foot steps
got closer and faster as Kiseki was prepareing himself for a frontal attack he felt a light movement of air behind his right ear ducking quickly he was able to advoid
his opponets true attack, Kiseki begain dodgeing and dodgeing fast Taijutsu attacks as he heard Gin Gama yell "Come on boy! what happend to your ability to read people?"
"Damn You!" Kiseki shouted out as Gin Gama left to go place his bet, Kiseki continued to block and dodge the incomeing attacks with out makeing any of his own
telling this man "I do not wish to fight you!" The reckless man shouted insults and disrespectful remarks screaming towards Kiseki " You will die here!
you are nothing! you're like me you dont belong you have no village to call home no family that loves you oh yes youre just like me you're nothing!"
Kiseki became offenseive and starting launching attacks of his own the two fighters broke and went running full spend around the arena launching many
Jutsu attacks towards one another until Kiseki was struck by a well used tactic the reckless man launched a massive fire ball but hide himself behind
the ball to create a clone and distract Kiseki, while Kiseki was focused on the clone he was blind sided by a massive fireball from behind which
exploded and thrw Kiseki across the room Kiseki slammed aganist the ground as the reckless man preformed hand seals and said "Multi fire bomb jutsu" as 5 massive
explotions went off all around him causeing significant but not critical damage to Kiseki the entire arena was cheering loudly as the area was covered
in a thick cloud of dust and smoke as the smoke started to clear everyone was able to see the recklessman held down to the ground by his feet covered in rock
as Kiseki performed hand signs and trapped the man, Kiseki forced the man down to the ground on his knees locking him in place a rock arm and hand would
come out of the groud and grab the back by the head pulling his head backwards forceing his face upward Kiseki apporoched the man through the dust and smoke
and said.. "Like you..? I am nothing like you..You dont know me.. You dont know anything about me!..You may not have love, you may not show fear but know this
..You will fear me" Kiseki would stand infront of the trapt man with a custom blade drawn Kiseki placed the blade to the mans chest and started to cut him slowly
"You think you are like me? You think we share the same purpose in life?!"..."You have no purpose.. You have no life..Your exsistance is meaningless..
You are not like me..You have no appreciation..No value..So I will give it to you" Kiseki slide the blade up and down the mans chest neck face and stomach
sliceing him deeply each time Kiseki became more and more tempermental and his strikes became harder and faster as he kept repeating.. "You are not like me..
You have no purpose..You have no value..You feel nothing in this world so this is my gift to you" Kiseki had slit and cut the man repeatively blood quickly
dripped to the ground covering the mans chest and stomach Kiseki grabbed the man by the throat and start to squeeze with a smile on his face and a wicked
gleam in his eye "You think..You are like me..? "You are nothing like me" Kiseki slowly choked the bleeding man to death as the crowd went nuts
a massive gate door opend at the far end of the arena Kiseki walked towards the door covered in blood leaveing behind the mutilated body still traped to the ground
The crowd cheered loudly as a loud voice over powered the crowd "An the winner is!..uh..whats that? (Whispering) Wells thats it folks the newcomer has defeated
Onitaku and his name is.Suroshi! Kiseki was confused.. This wasnt his name..But he didnt think about it too long he kept thinking about the man and the fight
the images of each cut flashing repeatively in his mind Kiseki stood there in the middle of the arena faceing the ground breathing heavy stareing intently
crazily soon the crowd and voices became muffled sounds and his ears began to ring sudden he was shaken by Gin Gama saying "Damn I never knew you could be so brutle"
"But why did you do that..I dont mind that you killed it sadly it happens around here.. But why did you torture that man and allow him to die so slowly?
Kiseki replied.. When someone dies a quick death everything happens so fast its hard to think about whats imporant.." Gin Gama said "Imporant?"
Kiseki said "When someone knows they are about to die they have time to think of their life..They remember everything and it is only then can they
appreciate life..I made him relize what he was about to loose" Gin Gama placed his hands on Kiseki's shoulders and said "From this moment on you are
Suroshi..You are now a Shinobi" Suroshi looked upon his master and said "Shinobi are Ninja from villages they all bare a headband how can I be Shinobi
if I bear no headband and came from no village? Gin Gama replied "You are a rogue Shinobi..Theres more to being a Ninja then just some silly headband..
You have no clan.. You have no village..But you have great power and an intelligent mind" Kiseki asked "So what is my purpose as a Shinobi..What is my
Shinobi way?" Gin Gama said "That is not for me to decide this life is yours and you live by the choices you make" Years past as Suroshi continued to
train and fight his way through the arena searching for a purpose for his ways Suroshi became extremely skilled and feared through out the years
he was slowly minipulated by the situations he was placed in.. His morals changed the line between right and wrong became non exsistant..Suroshi joined
the organization their purpose was to recruit and train any and all rogue, exiled, and unwanted Ninja from across the lands and together The memories of his
father and mother had faded away Suroshi was no longer who he once was.. Misguided and used for another purpose he was used as a method to strike fear
and earn money through gambleing over the years Suroshi embraced this life and became a heavy drinker and gambler himself..Always searching for his purpose
but unable to find his worth..When Suroshi was 16 Gin Gama had died and left Suroshi alone in this world Suroshi joined a group of rogue Shinobi
with intent of bringing their ideas of peace to this world they would steal and rob from small villages and hunt down other rogue shinobi for profit
over the years Suroshi had lost many of the men who had joined him, Suroshi stood alone in the world still uncertian of what his purpose was he would often
ask the sky "Why do I live?..100's of men have died by my hand but for what purpose?..Who am I?..Why am I here? Why do I live when so many others die?"
But Suroshi could never find the truth he saught after. "Am I simply here to exsist with no purpose? To bring death to all those around me what have I become?"
When Suroshi was 17 years old he was apart of a mission to capture a high profile rogue Ninja who had been evadeing hunters for many years Suroshi
with a small team went to the Rogue Ninja's tipped off location this village area was near the river where Suroshi had lost his father many years before as
a child.. The night air was cool, the moonlight lit the night around him as he slowly walked in to this small area where the Rogue Shinobi had lived
One of Suroshi's team mates had said "This man has been evadeing hunters for years..He is hard to track he never remains in one place for long lets make
this quick Suroshi" as Suroshi's small team came across a small wooden hut standing alone, a smoke bomb was thrown in to the wooden shack as Suroshi rushed in
in the darkness of the smoke he could see a figure quickly rushing towards him Suroshi threw one well aimed Kunai that landed with a deep thud into the mystory
rogue ninja's chest..Suroshi grabbed the man and tossed him outside in to the moonlight as Suroshi walked towards his target, stood over him  and rolled
him over to see his face when Suroshi turned this man over their eyes met Suroshi's heart dropped and he was frozen in utter disbelief when the frail elderly
rogue said the words "Kiseki..? Is that you my son"? Suroshi was frozen his eyes wide, speachless he could not process what was happening the man said
"You are my Kiseki..I can see it in yours eyes..My son..We've finally found one another..I have waited here since that day my son" The old elderly man
started to cough up blood as he lay there bleeding to death, Suroshi kneeled down to the man his entire body tingled his heart was heavy and tears filled
his eyes as his father said "So my son..After all of these years what type of man have you become?" Suroshi could not speak and watched in horror as his
fathers life faded infront of his eyes he relized he had killed his own father..Suroshi went in to a blind rage his team mates attempted to control Suroshi
however in his blind rage he murdered each one until he once again stood alone in the world" After this day Suroshi disappeared for many years he has now
once again returned to the lands of Shinobi what has Suroshi learned in this time away? Where had he gone? many things were now unclear as Suroshi roamed
aimlessly accross the hidden lands.


  • Character Name: Suroshi

Offline Suroshi

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Re: Suroshi Pt2.
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2017, 21:07:54 »
Sorry its so long everyone.
  • Character Name: Suroshi

Offline DarthTyrael

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Re: Suroshi Pt2.
« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2017, 21:18:08 »
Two things:

1. Work on the layout. Nothing is more eye-soring than a poorly lain out wall-of-text. Punctuation marks, quotation marks (") (you did a lot but missed a bunch at the end of a sentence), break rules (aka enter at the end of a few sentences)
(I'd use break rule at the end of each line of conversation, just to make every sentence start with a spoken action, followed by the physical actions of the actor/side-actor).

These things will make your story look more appealing to the eye, tiring them out less allowing people to continue reading tirelessly.

2. If your story is too long to put into one post, you could've posted it in a reaction to your original post. No need to make two threads for it.

3. Please refrain from double posting in a short time span if it's not necessary. (The two posts for your story is necessary, you saying "Sorry it's so long" isn't.)




Criticism aside, it's a decent story, though very long indeed. And seeing as these are your first few posts, welcome to SLO ^^
« Last Edit: June 14, 2017, 21:20:59 by DarthTyrael »




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Offline StriderOtaku

Re: Suroshi Pt2.
« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2017, 21:42:10 »
I'm glad Darth said it all so I just have to say...
Welcome to SLO. Enjoy your stay. :p
PS More spacing between the paragraphs would've made this less daunting in appearance. It's a nice Nice story nonetheless (the much I read..)
  • Character Name: Ikiryo

Offline Suroshi

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Re: Suroshi Pt2.
« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2017, 21:43:37 »
And yeah Im not a professional writer and I dont attempt or strive to be one. I am required to give a backstory and thats what I've done.. I dont care much how people think about the story or how its layed out because that isnt the important factor to me... I understand its not perfect but thank you for the input.
(And I wrote all this up in desktop notepad so I wasnt aware that I went over the text limit until I went to post so I do apologize for that one.)
« Last Edit: June 14, 2017, 21:51:43 by Suroshi »
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Offline DarthTyrael

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Re: Suroshi Pt2.
« Reply #5 on: June 14, 2017, 22:19:19 »
And yeah Im not a professional writer and I dont attempt or strive to be one. I am required to give a backstory and thats what I've done.

Neither are 99% of the people on here. Most of them don't even have that much of a back story (or used to have one, joined a different clan/revamped their character and just didn't bother to redo a story).

Either way you are not required to give a backstory. It's encouraged. You should write one because you like it and want to give your character that little bit of extra personality.

I dont care much how people think about the story or how its layed out because that isnt the important factor to me..

... What is then? Quite frankly I don't understand why you'd put so much effort into something that's (what you thought was) required if you don't care about what people are gonna think about it anyway.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2017, 22:21:07 by DarthTyrael »




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Offline Suroshi

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Re: Suroshi Pt2.
« Reply #6 on: June 14, 2017, 22:21:56 »
I mean I am required because all of my RPC's and stories and clans and such are all from other games I play that I've started so for example if I invite my friends I have a story they already know to go off of and tie our stories together.  Thats why I said the layout isnt important because Im not out to impress anyone I just have to transfer my information to this site.
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Offline DarthTyrael

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Re: Suroshi Pt2.
« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2017, 23:04:57 »
I mean I am required because all of my RPC's and stories and clans and such are all from other games I play that I've started so for example if I invite my friends I have a story they already know to go off of and tie our stories together.  Thats why I said the layout isnt important because Im not out to impress anyone I just have to transfer my information to this site.

Guess that makes sense.




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Offline Tsunayoshi

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Re: Suroshi Pt2.
« Reply #8 on: June 15, 2017, 15:50:10 »
It's very good!

Joking, didn't even bother to read that huge block of text.
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Re: Suroshi Pt2.
« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2017, 23:13:42 »
That works to my advantage too :D
  • Character Name: Suroshi

 

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