Chapter 2 - Warning shots

[Fraudulent]

“’Sup?” tension was quickly released as he yawned once more. His left hand swept his drunken face in an attempt to wake up as much as possible.
Aijo looked puzzled and raised her right eyebrow in confusion before her cough broke the silence and echoed through the room. Her body bent forward as she slouched and coughed progressively louder.
Nibui looked just as confused and stared down as she grabbed his stained and ragged shirt to support herself.
“Jesus Christ! What is that smell?!” she cried out, right hand grasping his shirt as her left held a knee.
“Oh, she ain’t ever smoked one” Nibui explained as realization hit, and turned around to the men behind him who collapsed in broken sequences of laughter.

He reached in his left pocket and withdrew a small transparent bag with a few green buds inside it – Cannabis.
“This is one of the finest strains of weed you can find in the Hidden Dust. You’d be lucky to get a few grams – dozens fight for it” he announced proudly with a smirk.
Aijo raised her chin and stared at him in disbelief, however both of their attention was drawn to the sound of creaking wood in the distance.

An older-looking man with a blunt in his mouth was parked at the gambling table when he opened a large, dust-infested window behind him.
“There, the smoke should leave the room now” he claimed as smoke began pouring out of the room into the open streets of Hokorigakure where it became an unexpected visitor to a civilian.
“What the hell?!” the voice of a senior citizen cried out as he began to cough like a madman on the street.
It was no lie when Vizier said the smoke would leave the room, but it was a surprise to everyone as to how quickly it all happened.

“I am here to request your assistance”
“The government are segregating my family and we are scarce of resources. We will die out if we do not receive help soon” Aijo was desperate for the Blackbox aid.
Nibui cleared his throat and adjusted his focus on her.
“Listen” he swallowed briefly
“We don’t want to be involved with the government, one false move could result in our incarceration”
“I don’t know how informed you are but the Hidden Dust has several organisations and groupings that are in constant warfare with each other. We tend to stick under low suspicion but it’s not uncommon for battles to occur on the main roads where civilians walk” Nibui explained thoroughly and accurately.

“So… you are unable to help us?” Aijo grew nervous. Her stomach turning.

“We are doomed if we become a high suspicion within the village. All our efforts will go down the drain and every single member will be locked up”
“I unders-“ her frustration was unexpectedly cut off.
Vizier was startled and turned around to the window behind him.
“Stop running, boy!” a rough voice came from the distance
“Kimoto..?” Vizier tried to make out the figure in the distance dashing towards the window.
A young boy with a black cloak and black shorts was darting across the dusty streets, bumping and squeezing through flocks of citizens. He was trailed by a group of shinobi. Their faces were covered with a black cloth and they wore hoods. They wanted to… kill him.

“They have some sort of yellow badge on their arms” exclaimed Aijo in confusion
“…Tatsujiin” Nibui muttered as he squinted in disgust
Kimoto lost balance and tripped up as the rivals gained ground behind him - that was the cue for Blackbox to engage.
Every member disappeared from the hideout and onto the streets, leaving behind nothing but a cloud of dust.

Nibui withdrew a kunai during his transition and lunged forward into the first enemy after Kimoto.
The Tatsujin shinobi was not prepared for this encounter as Nibui’s thrust forward with the knife was powerful; ripping through the cotton of the opposition’s shirt and directly into his chest. Blade in contact with bone.
Several more stabs followed in a rapid motion as his life came to a halt. Tatsujin were fazed at the scenery – jaw-dropped with fear.

Civilians panicked and took shelter inside buildings. Some were alerting law enforcement.
The street was empty, the only present beings were two teams with Nibui in the center and a corpse in his arms.
“Oh my God” Aijo gasped and covered her mouth
Nibui was not impressed.
“Get inside” he ordered Kimoto without turning around. His eyes were locked on the man in his arms.
He drew his bloodied arm back and yanked the knife out before letting the corpse fall face-down beside him.

[Manuster]

OOooooohhh Vizier, Tatsujin me likey

[Toratsume Nyshn]

Aye the dust cartels kind of or the wild west theme...
Pretty good, I guess I'd read the first part again, cuz its been long, I've forgotten it :3 (Gomen)

[Fraudulent]

OOooooohhh Vizier, Tatsujin me likey

Thanks

Aye the dust cartels kind of or the wild west theme...
Pretty good, I guess I'd read the first part again, cuz its been long, I've forgotten it :3 (Gomen)

Thanks, ive taken a different direction from my initial plan. More coming soon

[America]

“’Sup?” tension was quickly released as he yawned once more. His left hand swept his drunken face in an attempt to wake up as much as possible.

I'd replace the "His" with his actual name, just to establish early on who it is.

“Jesus Christ! What is that smell?!” she cried out, right hand grasping his shirt as her left held a knee.

I'm not quite sure about religion in SLO so Jesus Christ might be out of the scene.

“This is one of the finest strains of weed you can find in the Hidden Dust. You’d be lucky to get a few grams – dozens fight for it” he announced proudly with a smirk.

Remember to put a period at the end of the sentence inside the quotation. Also, announced seems out of place. I would have simply written that "a smirk fell over his face", as we can infer who it is by what he said.

however both of their attention was drawn to the sound of creaking wood in the distance.

"both of their attention" sounds odd to me. I would've put something along the lines of "however, their attention was soon drawn to the sound of creaking wood in the distance."

“There, the smoke should leave the room now” he claimed as smoke began pouring out of the room into the open streets of Hokorigakure where it became an unexpected visitor to a civilian.

Exclaimed fits better than claimed. Use some punctuation in the sentence, maybe a semi-colon after Hokorigakure.

“I don’t know how informed you are but the Hidden Dust has several organisations and groupings that are in constant warfare with each other. We tend to stick under low suspicion but it’s not uncommon for battles to occur on the main roads where civilians walk”

This needs some punctuation other than periods. Commas after but, at least.

“So… you are unable to help us?” Aijo grew nervous. Her stomach turning.

"Her stomach turning." shouldn't be its own sentence.

“…Tatsujiin” Nibui muttered as he squinted in disgust

This is just a personal style of mine, but I would've just put "Nibui squinted in disgust." Also, period at the end of the sentence.

Kimoto lost balance and tripped up as the rivals gained ground behind him - that was the cue for Blackbox to engage.

Some work on diction -- adversaries instead of rivals. Rivals may make sense if there is an actual rivalry between the organizations, but the reader may not know.

Every member disappeared from the hideout and onto the streets,

Either the "and" needs to go or another verb needs to be used. "Every member disappeared from the hideout onto the streets," or "Every member disappeared from the hideout and ran onto the streets,"

Nibui withdrew a kunai during his transition and lunged forward into the first enemy after Kimoto.

"withdrew" sounds odd, I'd simply say "drew." I'd also write the latter half like so: "lunged forward into the enemy closest to Kimoto." (You could even drop the "forward.")

The Tatsujin shinobi was not prepared for this encounter as Nibui’s thrust forward with the knife was powerful; ripping through the cotton of the opposition’s shirt and directly into his chest. Blade in contact with bone.

I'm just gonna rewrite this whole sentence.

"The Tatsujin shinobi was not prepared for this sudden attack. Nibui's thrust with the knife was powerful enough to rip through the cotton of his opponent's shirt and sink deep into his chest."

I don't believe the part about the blade reaching bone is really necessary, as you typically don't have much in between skin and bone on your chest.

Several more stabs followed in a rapid motion as his life came to a halt.

"Several more stabs followed in rapid succession as the Tatsujin shinobi's vitality faded."

Tatsujin were fazed at the scenery – jaw-dropped with fear.

It should be "The Tatsujin were." You wouldn't say "Akatsuki were bad guys," You'd say "The Akatsuki were bad guys." Also, it should be "jaws dropping with fear."

The street was empty, the only present beings were two teams with Nibui in the center and a corpse in his arms.

Awkward diction; the word "beings" isn't used all that often. "The street was empty except for Blackbox and Tatsujin with Nibui in between the two, holding a corpse in his arms."



There are some errors here and there, but the story is good. I enjoy the plot as a break from the usual stories that are told on here; nobody has really touched on the criminal side quite like this. There are some parts that are semi-confusing grammatically, however, it may be due to the different versions of English that we practice. Good job Snoop, I'll probably read Chapter 3 when it comes out.

[adithya]

“’Sup?” tension was quickly released as he yawned once more. His left hand swept his drunken face in an attempt to wake up as much as possible.

I'd replace the "His" with his actual name, just to establish early on who it is.

“Jesus Christ! What is that smell?!” she cried out, right hand grasping his shirt as her left held a knee.

I'm not quite sure about religion in SLO so Jesus Christ might be out of the scene.

“This is one of the finest strains of weed you can find in the Hidden Dust. You’d be lucky to get a few grams – dozens fight for it” he announced proudly with a smirk.

Remember to put a period at the end of the sentence inside the quotation. Also, announced seems out of place. I would have simply written that "a smirk fell over his face", as we can infer who it is by what he said.

however both of their attention was drawn to the sound of creaking wood in the distance.

"both of their attention" sounds odd to me. I would've put something along the lines of "however, their attention was soon drawn to the sound of creaking wood in the distance."

“There, the smoke should leave the room now” he claimed as smoke began pouring out of the room into the open streets of Hokorigakure where it became an unexpected visitor to a civilian.

Exclaimed fits better than claimed. Use some punctuation in the sentence, maybe a semi-colon after Hokorigakure.

“I don’t know how informed you are but the Hidden Dust has several organisations and groupings that are in constant warfare with each other. We tend to stick under low suspicion but it’s not uncommon for battles to occur on the main roads where civilians walk”

This needs some punctuation other than periods. Commas after but, at least.

“So… you are unable to help us?” Aijo grew nervous. Her stomach turning.

"Her stomach turning." shouldn't be its own sentence.

“…Tatsujiin” Nibui muttered as he squinted in disgust

This is just a personal style of mine, but I would've just put "Nibui squinted in disgust." Also, period at the end of the sentence.

Kimoto lost balance and tripped up as the rivals gained ground behind him - that was the cue for Blackbox to engage.

Some work on diction -- adversaries instead of rivals. Rivals may make sense if there is an actual rivalry between the organizations, but the reader may not know.

Every member disappeared from the hideout and onto the streets,

Either the "and" needs to go or another verb needs to be used. "Every member disappeared from the hideout onto the streets," or "Every member disappeared from the hideout and ran onto the streets,"

Nibui withdrew a kunai during his transition and lunged forward into the first enemy after Kimoto.

"withdrew" sounds odd, I'd simply say "drew." I'd also write the latter half like so: "lunged forward into the enemy closest to Kimoto." (You could even drop the "forward.")

The Tatsujin shinobi was not prepared for this encounter as Nibui’s thrust forward with the knife was powerful; ripping through the cotton of the opposition’s shirt and directly into his chest. Blade in contact with bone.

I'm just gonna rewrite this whole sentence.

"The Tatsujin shinobi was not prepared for this sudden attack. Nibui's thrust with the knife was powerful enough to rip through the cotton of his opponent's shirt and sink deep into his chest."

I don't believe the part about the blade reaching bone is really necessary, as you typically don't have much in between skin and bone on your chest.

Several more stabs followed in a rapid motion as his life came to a halt.

"Several more stabs followed in rapid succession as the Tatsujin shinobi's vitality faded."

Tatsujin were fazed at the scenery – jaw-dropped with fear.

It should be "The Tatsujin were." You wouldn't say "Akatsuki were bad guys," You'd say "The Akatsuki were bad guys." Also, it should be "jaws dropping with fear."

The street was empty, the only present beings were two teams with Nibui in the center and a corpse in his arms.

Awkward diction; the word "beings" isn't used all that often. "The street was empty except for Blackbox and Tatsujin with Nibui in between the two, holding a corpse in his arms."



There are some errors here and there, but the story is good. I enjoy the plot as a break from the usual stories that are told on here; nobody has really touched on the criminal side quite like this. There are some parts that are semi-confusing grammatically, however, it may be due to the different versions of English that we practice. Good job Snoop, I'll probably read Chapter 3 when it comes out.

This is fucking golden 'Merica. Do me as well xD

I loved the thing, Snoopy. Good shit.

[Manuster]

“’Sup?” tension was quickly released as he yawned once more. His left hand swept his drunken face in an attempt to wake up as much as possible.

I'd replace the "His" with his actual name, just to establish early on who it is.

“Jesus Christ! What is that smell?!” she cried out, right hand grasping his shirt as her left held a knee.

I'm not quite sure about religion in SLO so Jesus Christ might be out of the scene.

“This is one of the finest strains of weed you can find in the Hidden Dust. You’d be lucky to get a few grams – dozens fight for it” he announced proudly with a smirk.

Remember to put a period at the end of the sentence inside the quotation. Also, announced seems out of place. I would have simply written that "a smirk fell over his face", as we can infer who it is by what he said.

however both of their attention was drawn to the sound of creaking wood in the distance.

"both of their attention" sounds odd to me. I would've put something along the lines of "however, their attention was soon drawn to the sound of creaking wood in the distance."

“There, the smoke should leave the room now” he claimed as smoke began pouring out of the room into the open streets of Hokorigakure where it became an unexpected visitor to a civilian.

Exclaimed fits better than claimed. Use some punctuation in the sentence, maybe a semi-colon after Hokorigakure.

“I don’t know how informed you are but the Hidden Dust has several organisations and groupings that are in constant warfare with each other. We tend to stick under low suspicion but it’s not uncommon for battles to occur on the main roads where civilians walk”

This needs some punctuation other than periods. Commas after but, at least.

“So… you are unable to help us?” Aijo grew nervous. Her stomach turning.

"Her stomach turning." shouldn't be its own sentence.

“…Tatsujiin” Nibui muttered as he squinted in disgust

This is just a personal style of mine, but I would've just put "Nibui squinted in disgust." Also, period at the end of the sentence.

Kimoto lost balance and tripped up as the rivals gained ground behind him - that was the cue for Blackbox to engage.

Some work on diction -- adversaries instead of rivals. Rivals may make sense if there is an actual rivalry between the organizations, but the reader may not know.

Every member disappeared from the hideout and onto the streets,

Either the "and" needs to go or another verb needs to be used. "Every member disappeared from the hideout onto the streets," or "Every member disappeared from the hideout and ran onto the streets,"

Nibui withdrew a kunai during his transition and lunged forward into the first enemy after Kimoto.

"withdrew" sounds odd, I'd simply say "drew." I'd also write the latter half like so: "lunged forward into the enemy closest to Kimoto." (You could even drop the "forward.")

The Tatsujin shinobi was not prepared for this encounter as Nibui’s thrust forward with the knife was powerful; ripping through the cotton of the opposition’s shirt and directly into his chest. Blade in contact with bone.

I'm just gonna rewrite this whole sentence.

"The Tatsujin shinobi was not prepared for this sudden attack. Nibui's thrust with the knife was powerful enough to rip through the cotton of his opponent's shirt and sink deep into his chest."

I don't believe the part about the blade reaching bone is really necessary, as you typically don't have much in between skin and bone on your chest.

Several more stabs followed in a rapid motion as his life came to a halt.

"Several more stabs followed in rapid succession as the Tatsujin shinobi's vitality faded."

Tatsujin were fazed at the scenery – jaw-dropped with fear.

It should be "The Tatsujin were." You wouldn't say "Akatsuki were bad guys," You'd say "The Akatsuki were bad guys." Also, it should be "jaws dropping with fear."

The street was empty, the only present beings were two teams with Nibui in the center and a corpse in his arms.

Awkward diction; the word "beings" isn't used all that often. "The street was empty except for Blackbox and Tatsujin with Nibui in between the two, holding a corpse in his arms."



There are some errors here and there, but the story is good. I enjoy the plot as a break from the usual stories that are told on here; nobody has really touched on the criminal side quite like this. There are some parts that are semi-confusing grammatically, however, it may be due to the different versions of English that we practice. Good job Snoop, I'll probably read Chapter 3 when it comes out.

:OoOOoooo

he even titled it "America's official review"

*writes good story*

*becomes God of SLO*

rip all stories ;_;

he' coming for you.....

Spoiler: show

low key editing all mah posts

[Fraudulent]

Thank you, @America for the in-depth review. Didn't want to quote it because it's too damn big.
A lot of things went wrong with this piece when it came to grammar and punctuation - I must have missed a period in that sentence you pointed out, and also idk what came over me when writing those awkward lines.
A slight spark of motivation grew within me in regards to starting chapter 3. You may see it soon depending on when I begin writing.

This is fucking golden 'Merica. Do me as well xD

I loved the thing, Snoopy. Good shit.

Thank you!

[StriderOtaku]

I've been away for a while so I missed this.
The chapter had nice pacing and a lot of the mistakes have already been corrected.I'm intrigued.
So far so good, well done Snoopy.

[Fraudulent]

I've been away for a while so I missed this.
The chapter had nice pacing and a lot of the mistakes have already been corrected.I'm intrigued.
So far so good, well done Snoopy.

Thank you! You should check out chapters 3 and 4! 5 will be posted later today