Tosogare - The Premier Literary RP Org & Writer's Academy of SLO

[mordredeon]

Organization name: Tosogare - The White Dusk of a Black Sun

Organization logo:

Founder: Keres, Maiden of Warriors

Leader: The Cabal

Affiliation: Independent

Allies: Heizugakure no Sato, the Himitsu

Enemies: None, so far

History:

(Note, I wanted to make sure that everyone knew the history of the organization was like this for a reason. It is basically one big lie, Keres is a sociopath who can lie really, really well, so just... ya'know, you've been lied to...)

In the beginning of the Age of Shinobi all peace in the world was lost to the greeds of mankind as soon as so many had learned how to weave Chakra for their own needs. This ability to have control over such a powerful energy was not made for the minds of mere mortals to bare, nor was what this meant made for those same minds to comprehend. I'm quite afraid that it rendered men, women and children so much more human than the Gods of our world and the Gods that reigned over our deities had intended. Our pantheon didn't want this, we weren't supposed to become so powerful, we weren't supposed to be able to become like them so much so that we bent reality. No matter who they were, whether they were the young or the old, the smart or the stupid, the powerful or the weak, they were afflicted by Chakra in such a way that it made them evolve.

Our world had been an Eden before them, the great prophecies of a savior's return to take us back to paradise had already been fulfilled and we ruined that chance. For the first time in millennia we eons our species experienced travesty's so great that they were akin to the influence of the Dark Sun that had ravaged our planet so long ago. The Dark Sun had finally peeled back the creative curtain created by the White Dusk and penetrated our world once more so that it may taint us with its corrupt seed. This was something that went on even during the reign of the Six Paths, and decades after but there were people, special beings that were watching. They were the immortals of this world and they saw that there was a better path for man, and that while it could not be returned to perfection a path of both light and darkness imbued in a teacher who would teach the masses would save our race.

One great woman, the first great female ninja, had devoted her life to ensuring that the people who she loved ,” the people of her village, were defended from the great many abomination in the world. This woman and her devotion were what caught the eyes of the immortals and thus they gave up up everything to right a wrong the protectors of this planet should have never let happen. This sacrifice that the immortals gave up was one of their life force, they gave their very lives, their everlasting lives, to ensure that somehow the species would survive. While the woman gained no supernatural God-like powers, the sacrifice of these immortals reshaped the very road that fate itself traveled. She would not die in a carriage crash with her child, the beginning of a great line, no this brave Himitsu , descended from an ancient line of Shinobi, would thrive, and so too would her child Keres.

Thrive the child did and all around her people flocked as she beckoned for them to come, and come they did, come from far and wide across the globe these great many did. At the age of sixteen Keres had so many friends loyal to her in such a way that they were deemed an organizational entity. Upon hearing this she began organizing her great many, with the closest of these great many being christened the Cabal. They organized quickly, smoothly, and efficiently while hammering out their goals in a massive effort that should have been orchestrated yet somehow they knew just what to do... And thus the Dusk of the Age of Shinobi began.

All Hail the White Dusk...

All hail the Black Sun.

Purpose/Goals:

Stability: Tosogare is devoted to bringing stability to the world through any means possible, even if it means waging a centuries long war against the rest of the planet so that they may survive.
Wealth: Tosogare finds that wealth is a necessary part of their life as Shinobi, they are funded by the wealthy Keres herself but as a businesswoman she is finding new ways to improve their skill
Power: Tosogare is devoted to achieving power to fulfill its other goals, they intend to do this by recruiting those with potential and fine-tuning them into killing machines and experts of their fields
Knowledge: Our organization is devoted to the gathering and archiving of knowledge and artifacts to raise power by learning what they can from the knowledge and making use of the artifacts

Unique features: Each faction member has a tattoo of a simple black crown with three points placed on their body somewhere

Rankings:

The Cabal: The Cabal is a council of leaders that run the organization, they are each given their goals in the beginning, the heads of departments are located here

The White Glove: The White Glove are the elites of each of the Cabal, they are their knights, their champions, and there is a maximum of two champions per Cabal member.

The Dark Blade: The Dark Blade are the grunt workers of the organization, but don't be mistaken for they are each strong

The Twilight Legion: The Twilight Legion is comprised of the rest of the members, they are of equal rank to the Dark Blades.


Members:

Keres, Founder, Head of Operations

Rules:

((These only apply to people who are in the Organization, so with people not in it anything goes... just remember the world has politics and not to muck everything up for us.))

Thou Shall not Kill
Thou Shall Obey
Thou Shall not Divulge our Secrets
Thou Shall not Abandon Us
Thou Shall Stay Loyal
Thou Shall not Lie
Thou Shall not Steal

Application:

Name:
Gender:
Ninja Rank(If possible):
Chakra Nature(s):
Kekkei Genkai or Chakra Mix:
Village:
Specialization(Genjutsu, Kenjutsu, etc.):

[Kayleb]

That's a pretty good history.

[Dragon6624]

First off, I'd like to say that your writing skills are a much needed relief to these sore eyes, given the amount of glaring grammar and spelling errors that generally show up on the forums and topics here...and for that I thank you.

Now, having gotten that out of the way, there are several errors that I feel you could improve upon to make this organization...something truly unique and memorable.

The Symbol
I understand the need for stand-out flare, in order to attract the illiterates, but this really wouldn't make too much sense in terms of a symbol for an organization. If the village symbols for Naruto--the series that inspired this game--were all complex and flashy it would've been tough to mass-produce them...or even fit them onto the fore-head protectors. Given the fact that organizations have even fewer resources at their disposal, the symbol should be relatively simple as well as easy to understand and make. Why not just use that tattoo you detailed in writing below? Either way, this is a fairly minor gripe compared to what's coming up...

The History
Personally, I felt that you tried too hard to establish the background of the entire world into that of your organization. The world needs no real explanations for its history because the main focus will be on the people living in that world...aka the players. Also--in order to maintain neutral grounds--it's generally best to keep any form of deities under wraps when it comes to the setting and its populace. Even Vreg's character, who will be the closest thing you can describe as having "god-like" levels of power...is only human. So--in those terms--it would be wiser to keep gods out of the picture, as well as religious symbolism, which I believe you partly hinted at for the survival of "Keres".

Also, the organization of your...organization....is simply too..."Mary-Sue". Your character survived, made a lot of friends, and then they all just decide to make an organization and follow her to the ends of the earth...? The original purpose of the organizations--once you get past the ones that are filled with tacky flare and "OVER 9000!" power levels--was to provide a safe refuge for those shinobi that had, for reasons known only to them, been forced to/chose to leave their villages in order to survive. Think less "Bad-Ass Assassin Group" and more "Band of Thieves working together to survive" and you should get a general feel for the more realistic chemistry of an organization...in any world/fiction.

The Allies
This goes along with my previous statement, there'd be no reason for a clan to compromise their position with their mother-village just to be the ally of a rogue organization, and vice versa. Sure, they might utilize the skills of the organization every once and a while, but they would only deal with them in terms of contracted agreements, not open alliances. No clan would want to destroy their reputation and honor by allying with a group of deserters and bingo-book members...essentially, scum. Any actual allies you might acquire would be in relatively the same boat as you; that is to say, they would also be rogues/mercenaries just hoping to survive.

The Rules and Purpose/Goals
These completely contradict each other, as certain things are subjective, and others are examples of doing the opposite of what you previously said. "Thou shalt not kill/steal/lie" are three good examples of said contradictions...why would anyone need these for an organization that is, "devoted to bringing stability to the world through any means possible, even if it means waging a centuries long war", and that "intends to do this by recruiting those with potential and fine-tuning them into killing machines", as well as being "devoted to the gathering and archiving of knowledge and artifacts to raise power". What if someone happened to own one of said artifacts...would you then steal it from them? Would you be willing to KILL and THEN STEAL it from them? Again, the definitions here are subjective, is your way of doing things supposedly "right"? If so, what does your "Holy Order" now classify as "wrong"...everything/anything that goes against the teachings of their order?

...And again, the religious aspect should be kept to a minimum, or at the very least switched over to more of an eastern theme...considering the source material of the manga/anime that the game was inspired by.

As for the purpose itself, the world DOES NOT rest on the shoulders of any one person, organization, clan, village, monkey, tree, pebble. The world works on a set of ideals and exchanged/created/destroyed ideas that help to shape it as a whole, and its nearly impossible to change the general order of things once they have been set into place. Even if you were to TRY to do so, it would require far more time and resources than your organization will ever have, so please forget the whole "World Ends With You" ideal and make an attempt at something a bit more...realistic. And no, I'm not downing on you just to be an asshole, I've just seen too many of these mockeries of the Akatsuki, and that shit needs to change.



I've pointed out these critical errors because I honestly believe you have the ability to improve and shift away from these cliche ideals. If you do choose to leave the organization as it is--which is completely up to you--I would at least hope that you take a few minutes to think over this and, perhaps, take these thoughts into consideration for future writing. If choose to rework the organization, however, I would advise you change more than just what you believe is "required" of you based on the specific examples I provided above. Doing the bare minimum will instantly show that you couldn't give a fuck less about actually improving your idea...and it saddens me when people take that route. If you happen to disagree with me on any of the above, do PM me with your reasons, I would be interested in understanding why you do...

And Kayleb, shame on you for being a post-whore like that. ;_;


P.S.
...I would also recommend you heavily revise that character, there are multiple cases of you carrying on with one general idea spread out into three-four paragraphs' worth. You can emphasize, but you needn't do it to THAT extent, I think the majority of us should be smart enough to recognize what you're trying to say with a few good paragraphs of detailed description...not an enormous page's worth. Also, I'd suggest you try using a character creator, such as: http://hapuriainen.deviantart.com/art/Naruto-character-creator-128745915

Looking forward to seeing what else you write in the future...good night.

[Leebz]

First off, I'd like to say that your writing skills are a much needed relief to these sore eyes, given the amount of glaring grammar and spelling errors that generally show up on the forums and topics here...and for that I thank you.

Now, having gotten that out of the way, there are several errors that I feel you could improve upon to make this organization...something truly unique and memorable.

The Symbol
I understand the need for stand-out flare, in order to attract the illiterates, but this really wouldn't make too much sense in terms of a symbol for an organization. If the village symbols for Naruto--the series that inspired this game--were all complex and flashy it would've been tough to mass-produce them...or even fit them onto the fore-head protectors. Given the fact that organizations have even fewer resources at their disposal, the symbol should be relatively simple as well as easy to understand and make. Why not just use that tattoo you detailed in writing below? Either way, this is a fairly minor gripe compared to what's coming up...

The History
Personally, I felt that you tried too hard to establish the background of the entire world into that of your organization. The world needs no real explanations for its history because the main focus will be on the people living in that world...aka the players. Also--in order to maintain neutral grounds--it's generally best to keep any form of deities under wraps when it comes to the setting and its populace. Even Vreg's character, who will be the closest thing you can describe as having "god-like" levels of power...is only human. So--in those terms--it would be wiser to keep gods out of the picture, as well as religious symbolism, which I believe you partly hinted at for the survival of "Keres".

Also, the organization of your...organization....is simply too..."Mary-Sue". Your character survived, made a lot of friends, and then they all just decide to make an organization and follow her to the ends of the earth...? The original purpose of the organizations--once you get past the ones that are filled with tacky flare and "OVER 9000!" power levels--was to provide a safe refuge for those shinobi that had, for reasons known only to them, been forced to/chose to leave their villages in order to survive. Think less "Bad-Ass Assassin Group" and more "Band of Thieves working together to survive" and you should get a general feel for the more realistic chemistry of an organization...in any world/fiction.

The Allies
This goes along with my previous statement, there'd be no reason for a clan to compromise their position with their mother-village just to be the ally of a rogue organization, and vice versa. Sure, they might utilize the skills of the organization every once and a while, but they would only deal with them in terms of contracted agreements, not open alliances. No clan would want to destroy their reputation and honor by allying with a group of deserters and bingo-book members...essentially, scum. Any actual allies you might acquire would be in relatively the same boat as you; that is to say, they would also be rogues/mercenaries just hoping to survive.

The Rules and Purpose/Goals
These completely contradict each other, as certain things are subjective, and others are examples of doing the opposite of what you previously said. "Thou shalt not kill/steal/lie" are three good examples of said contradictions...why would anyone need these for an organization that is, "devoted to bringing stability to the world through any means possible, even if it means waging a centuries long war", and that "intends to do this by recruiting those with potential and fine-tuning them into killing machines", as well as being "devoted to the gathering and archiving of knowledge and artifacts to raise power". What if someone happened to own one of said artifacts...would you then steal it from them? Would you be willing to KILL and THEN STEAL it from them? Again, the definitions here are subjective, is your way of doing things supposedly "right"? If so, what does your "Holy Order" now classify as "wrong"...everything/anything that goes against the teachings of their order?

...And again, the religious aspect should be kept to a minimum, or at the very least switched over to more of an eastern theme...considering the source material of the manga/anime that the game was inspired by.

As for the purpose itself, the world DOES NOT rest on the shoulders of any one person, organization, clan, village, monkey, tree, pebble. The world works on a set of ideals and exchanged/created/destroyed ideas that help to shape it as a whole, and its nearly impossible to change the general order of things once they have been set into place. Even if you were to TRY to do so, it would require far more time and resources than your organization will ever have, so please forget the whole "World Ends With You" ideal and make an attempt at something a bit more...realistic. And no, I'm not downing on you just to be an asshole, I've just seen too many of these mockeries of the Akatsuki, and that shit needs to change.



I've pointed out these critical errors because I honestly believe you have the ability to improve and shift away from these cliche ideals. If you do choose to leave the organization as it is--which is completely up to you--I would at least hope that you take a few minutes to think over this and, perhaps, take these thoughts into consideration for future writing. If choose to rework the organization, however, I would advise you change more than just what you believe is "required" of you based on the specific examples I provided above. Doing the bare minimum will instantly show that you couldn't give a fuck less about actually improving your idea...and it saddens me when people take that route. If you happen to disagree with me on any of the above, do PM me with your reasons, I would be interested in understanding why you do...

And Kayleb, shame on you for being a post-whore like that. ;_;


P.S.
...I would also recommend you heavily revise that character, there are multiple cases of you carrying on with one general idea spread out into three-four paragraphs' worth. You can emphasize, but you needn't do it to THAT extent, I think the majority of us should be smart enough to recognize what you're trying to say with a few good paragraphs of detailed description...not an enormous page's worth. Also, I'd suggest you try using a character creator, such as: http://hapuriainen.deviantart.com/art/Naruto-character-creator-128745915

Looking forward to seeing what else you write in the future...good night.

Most detailed post I have seen from you xD
Someone is trying for mod?
Also, "you couldn't give a fuck less about actually improving your idea" should either be "you couldn't give a fuck about actually improving your idea" or, if you actually want to stick to being this mature side as the rest of the post was coming off as, you'd put "you couldn't care less about actually improving your idea"

[Dragon6624]

@Leebz My thanks for the correction at the end there, it was getting late so my brain was falling apart. Also, no, not going for a mod position, as it takes too much time and effort with rarely any good pay-offs. I really want to see Mordredeon become better than either of us could, because I think they have the potential to do so...and because I think they might actually want to improve, which is the main reason why I took any time at all to critique this. How often do you see people who can write well--as well as having some intelligence--come onto the forums? And as for the "mature-side", I do happen to have one of those...though I'm betting that you would've preferred a full-on rant, hmm? (Those are funnier to read, I admit it)

Also, have you thought about become a mod yourself? PM me that response.

[mordredeon]

First off, I'd like to say that your writing skills are a much needed relief to these sore eyes, given the amount of glaring grammar and spelling errors that generally show up on the forums and topics here...and for that I thank you.

Now, having gotten that out of the way, there are several errors that I feel you could improve upon to make this organization...something truly unique and memorable.

The Symbol
I understand the need for stand-out flare, in order to attract the illiterates, but this really wouldn't make too much sense in terms of a symbol for an organization. If the village symbols for Naruto--the series that inspired this game--were all complex and flashy it would've been tough to mass-produce them...or even fit them onto the fore-head protectors. Given the fact that organizations have even fewer resources at their disposal, the symbol should be relatively simple as well as easy to understand and make. Why not just use that tattoo you detailed in writing below? Either way, this is a fairly minor gripe compared to what's coming up...

The History
Personally, I felt that you tried too hard to establish the background of the entire world into that of your organization. The world needs no real explanations for its history because the main focus will be on the people living in that world...aka the players. Also--in order to maintain neutral grounds--it's generally best to keep any form of deities under wraps when it comes to the setting and its populace. Even Vreg's character, who will be the closest thing you can describe as having "god-like" levels of power...is only human. So--in those terms--it would be wiser to keep gods out of the picture, as well as religious symbolism, which I believe you partly hinted at for the survival of "Keres".

Also, the organization of your...organization....is simply too..."Mary-Sue". Your character survived, made a lot of friends, and then they all just decide to make an organization and follow her to the ends of the earth...? The original purpose of the organizations--once you get past the ones that are filled with tacky flare and "OVER 9000!" power levels--was to provide a safe refuge for those shinobi that had, for reasons known only to them, been forced to/chose to leave their villages in order to survive. Think less "Bad-Ass Assassin Group" and more "Band of Thieves working together to survive" and you should get a general feel for the more realistic chemistry of an organization...in any world/fiction.

The Allies
This goes along with my previous statement, there'd be no reason for a clan to compromise their position with their mother-village just to be the ally of a rogue organization, and vice versa. Sure, they might utilize the skills of the organization every once and a while, but they would only deal with them in terms of contracted agreements, not open alliances. No clan would want to destroy their reputation and honor by allying with a group of deserters and bingo-book members...essentially, scum. Any actual allies you might acquire would be in relatively the same boat as you; that is to say, they would also be rogues/mercenaries just hoping to survive.

The Rules and Purpose/Goals
These completely contradict each other, as certain things are subjective, and others are examples of doing the opposite of what you previously said. "Thou shalt not kill/steal/lie" are three good examples of said contradictions...why would anyone need these for an organization that is, "devoted to bringing stability to the world through any means possible, even if it means waging a centuries long war", and that "intends to do this by recruiting those with potential and fine-tuning them into killing machines", as well as being "devoted to the gathering and archiving of knowledge and artifacts to raise power". What if someone happened to own one of said artifacts...would you then steal it from them? Would you be willing to KILL and THEN STEAL it from them? Again, the definitions here are subjective, is your way of doing things supposedly "right"? If so, what does your "Holy Order" now classify as "wrong"...everything/anything that goes against the teachings of their order?

...And again, the religious aspect should be kept to a minimum, or at the very least switched over to more of an eastern theme...considering the source material of the manga/anime that the game was inspired by.

As for the purpose itself, the world DOES NOT rest on the shoulders of any one person, organization, clan, village, monkey, tree, pebble. The world works on a set of ideals and exchanged/created/destroyed ideas that help to shape it as a whole, and its nearly impossible to change the general order of things once they have been set into place. Even if you were to TRY to do so, it would require far more time and resources than your organization will ever have, so please forget the whole "World Ends With You" ideal and make an attempt at something a bit more...realistic. And no, I'm not downing on you just to be an asshole, I've just seen too many of these mockeries of the Akatsuki, and that shit needs to change.



I've pointed out these critical errors because I honestly believe you have the ability to improve and shift away from these cliche ideals. If you do choose to leave the organization as it is--which is completely up to you--I would at least hope that you take a few minutes to think over this and, perhaps, take these thoughts into consideration for future writing. If choose to rework the organization, however, I would advise you change more than just what you believe is "required" of you based on the specific examples I provided above. Doing the bare minimum will instantly show that you couldn't give a fuck less about actually improving your idea...and it saddens me when people take that route. If you happen to disagree with me on any of the above, do PM me with your reasons, I would be interested in understanding why you do...

And Kayleb, shame on you for being a post-whore like that. ;_;


P.S.
...I would also recommend you heavily revise that character, there are multiple cases of you carrying on with one general idea spread out into three-four paragraphs' worth. You can emphasize, but you needn't do it to THAT extent, I think the majority of us should be smart enough to recognize what you're trying to say with a few good paragraphs of detailed description...not an enormous page's worth. Also, I'd suggest you try using a character creator, such as: http://hapuriainen.deviantart.com/art/Naruto-character-creator-128745915

Looking forward to seeing what else you write in the future...good night.

Darling, you seem to have completely misunderstood everything that has to do with this post. A) This doesn't involve my character's post, so leave that out of it, you silly. B) The point of it appearing so "mary-sue" like is quite evident, there's a reason everyone liked her, she's a manipulative sociopathic bitch who spun a far out theory to attract flocks and flocks of people to her organization, C) Keres is actually an atheist, she doesn't believe this story.

Anything else or do I need to explain it better for you?

((You're right in most areas, so yaz... >_> *Goes to works...*

Second post:

I updated the silly little logo with something Leebz made me, which is awesome so yaaaay! Oh, and remember that the history is a lie structured by Keres...

Third post:

I ARE POST WHORE! I uhm, I added a note and made sure the village was more specific... as in one that was actually currently in existence...

[ParadoxRonin]

Name:Hayate Hazo
Gender:Male
Ninja Rank(If possible):Jonin
Chakra Nature(s):Wind Release
Kekkei Genkai or Chakra Mix:None as of yet
Village:Hidden Metal
Specialization(Genjutsu, Kenjutsu, etc.):None as of yet.

[Dragon6624]

Well, now that you've explained it...

*Tips hat*

Good to have you on-board the S.L.O Forum

[mordredeon]

Name:Hayate Hazo
Gender:Male
Ninja Rank(If possible):Jonin
Chakra Nature(s):Wind Release
Kekkei Genkai or Chakra Mix:None as of yet
Village:Hidden Metal
Specialization(Genjutsu, Kenjutsu, etc.):None as of yet.

Welcome to Tosogare, long may we reign.

[ParadoxRonin]

I want a promotion to council

[mordredeon]

I want a promotion to council

All higher ranks will be decided upon factors that will be made possible when the game has reached a certain stage. If that stage has not been reached by Deathmatch I sincerely apologize, but all members will be made the lowest rank possible. Remember, that as a member of this organization you are still held to higher standards than other Shinobi no matter your rank so you need to chill.

Secondly, do not demand things from me, you may want that but next time I expect a please. A big part of this game is respect, a big part of our organization is respect and cohesion and we cannot have someone so blatantly disrespectful and speaking to a higher authority join the council. I am in charge and you will remember that and you will or will not be made a member of the Cabal at my whim, for it is my whim that decides your fate in this organization.

[limits]

LMAO, PARADOX JUST GOT FORMALLY ROASTED

[Leebz]

LMAO, PARADOX JUST GOT FORMALLY ROASTED

And Paradox will probably leave because of it. Kudos if he doesn't xD
I feel he will though.. Power houses always do if they're told they'll be lowest rank
(Not an insult Paradox, we all know you live for power and hate to be told otherwise )

[StrawHatSeyi]

GG Paradox XD

[Shivraj]

Let'S hope he doesn't start World War III, now let's stop spamming mordredeon's thread.