Story

[Itzal]

Everyone started writing thier own fanfic so i thought why not post something i wrote before.Tell me what you think. Its just one part of the prologue. Hope you like it.

[Itzal]

prologue
It was dark and cold. The night staring over the quite village. The soil was wet with rain and blood. Kunais spread all over to show the murdering that had painted the battlefield. Dark figures laid everywhere seeping with a red fluid. Suddenly, a shadow strolled towards a wooden door kicking it down as he walked through.
“Please don’t, I wont tell anyone.” The man stuttered, backing towards the wall. His knees trembling before, SMACK!!! He dropped to the floor sweat seeping down his head. The shadow taking a step forward every time the man shuffled back. “Please I only...” The shadow drew his katana and flew towards him. The sword piercing threw the air before connecting with its target. The man was quite. The figure then gripped the hilt and then heaved his katana up raising it to let the man drop. Before there was air between them now only blood splatter and the weapon that caused it.

[json243]

I thought it was really good! The only thing I would do is space out the lines more, but otherwise great!

[CaptainSpoon]

I thought it was really good! The only thing I would do is space out the lines more, but otherwise great!

I agree, but other that that you've done a great job. I'd definitely keep on readin gif you were to continue it!

[json243]

Yeah I would keep reading too

[Kai]

Great story! , really interesting, ^^ i would keep reading as well.

[Itzal]

thx for the reviews so heres the second part of the prologue
prologue part 2:

The figure continued to walk through the small village. The village was created for rouges who wanted to live peaceful hidden life's. It was a small village inside a cave and hardly anyone new of its existence until now. There was a sudden tapping of small footsteps behind him.

“YOU WANT ESCAPE!” a kid shouted his voice nearly a squeak. The kid readied the kunai in his hand. The figure turned to face the boys tearful face.

“I have slaughtered grown men and women, probably your father but you think you can do something.?” The mans voice was deep and his words hurt the kids heart. The boy wiped his tears. He looked at him hate in his eyes. He could remember his fathers words distant in his brain.

“Live, run whatever you do live and know that I am proud of you two.”
 The kid stood and then with all the muscles in his body ran towards the man at as fast as he could. He through the kunai with all his strength. The kunai zipped through the air but the man was fast. He jumped up onto a roof next him in almost a lazy fashion. When he looked to see the kid, he had ran past and was heading for the cave entrance. The boys legs started to hurt but he still ran ignoring it.

“I have to live!” he shouted and then dropped. He hadn’t made it  was over. A kunai through his body. The figure walked up to him. A smile on his face.

 However he had not realised that the  boy was a distraction. His little brother had made an escape. When he was busy talking to the child his little brother ran past him and went through the exit. The little brother had escaped but with more hatred than anyone and with a dark path.

[Itzal]

Heres part 1 of Chapter 1 hope its not to long . Also sorry Konohuro didn't use your name.
Chapter 1 part 1:

The sun beamed bright into Higashi’s face. He shuffled and slowly opened his eyes. He then slid of the branch he was lying on and fell to the stone path. Higashi had been sleeping  in the woods  for a long time and new the paths like the back of  his hand. The soil around the park was  soft and was almost not walk able  when wet. This made it easier for Higashi  to make traps any time  someone attacked him, which happened a lot. Higashi strolled on the stone path his mind blank as always. Today was his birthday and so today was the day he went back to where he had his 7th birthday. The night of his father and brothers death. He tightened his jaw as he thought of that night 10 years ago. One day he would find that man and on that day he would rip the man apart. Higashi continued to stroll until a drop of a leaf in his path made him stop. He looked up. Nothing.

Higashi had to walk up a steep mountain before he could reach the entrance which was half way up. Higashi could tell where it was as it had one random tree and the path was wide at that point. Higashi arrived to the scene to see  the entrance open. It was never open. Higashi turned to see a face only ten steps away.
 “Big, probably earth and will probably try to out fight with taijustsu. If I keep him far away. ”Higashi mumbled out loud then smiled as the man stepped closer. “You are going to die by dropping off the cliff!” Higashi shouted no emotion in his eyes. Just death. The man laughed.

“Oh really” The man charged at him but Higashi jumped over him towards the edge of the mountain  on which they were on. The man then threw two  kunais towards him. Higashi easily dogging.

“Your playing with me.” Higashi grimaced as he charged towards him. The man laughed before thrusting his fist towards Higashi. Higashi had stopped just out of the range of the punch. He then grabbed his wrist and twisted. The man screamed. He had not expected this .His eyes widened in anger. His once smiling face was gone. He stepped back holding his wrist then swung his leg at amazing pace. Higashi only had enough time to put up his  arms in defence before he was hit. Higashi flew in mid-air . He had been cocky and now instead of his enemy he was about to fall of f the cliff . Was this it?

[json243]

Good chapter. Keep it up!

[Itzal]

Thx i will 

[Mars]

Nice chapter:)

[America]

This review was requested by Itzal.

Starting off, there are grammatical errors littered throughout your story.
‘quite’ is misused, I believe you are trying to say ‘quiet’.
The plural of kunai is kunai.
Try using another descriptive word, other than ‘seeping’. Pouring, dripping, etc.
There is a difference in the words ‘threw’ and ‘through’
Incorrect use of apostrophes.
Plural of life is lives.
These are a few of them.

However, there is nice detail in the story. The plot seems fine, but the little brother character could be taking a step towards becoming Sasuke, which you should refrain from.

 

Higashi easily dogging.

This sentence is wrong for two reasons. First, it’s a fragment. These words don’t form a whole sentence when put together. Second, you spelled dodging wrong.
Correction: Higashi dodged easily. This is just one example.

Overall, it’s a fine story, but there are tons of grammatical errors. If you aren’t sure about something, google it or ask someone else.

Keep writing.

[Mars]

Higashi easily dogging.

I hope there isn't dogging in SLO we don't want this game to be an 18 guys!

But otherwise really good so far:)

[json243]

Higashi easily dogging.

I hope there isn't dogging in SLO we don't want this game to be an 18 guys!

But otherwise really good so far:)

XD thats too funny. Maybe there will be though

[Itzal]

This review was requested by Itzal.

Starting off, there are grammatical errors littered throughout your story.
‘quite’ is misused, I believe you are trying to say ‘quiet’.
The plural of kunai is kunai.
Try using another descriptive word, other than ‘seeping’. Pouring, dripping, etc.
There is a difference in the words ‘threw’ and ‘through’
Incorrect use of apostrophes.
Plural of life is lives.
These are a few of them.

However, there is nice detail in the story. The plot seems fine, but the little brother character could be taking a step towards becoming Sasuke, which you should refrain from.

 

Higashi easily dogging.

This sentence is wrong for two reasons. First, it’s a fragment. These words don’t form a whole sentence when put together. Second, you spelled dodging wrong.
Correction: Higashi dodged easily. This is just one example.

Overall, it’s a fine story, but there are tons of grammatical errors. If you aren’t sure about something, google it or ask someone else.

Keep writing.

Thanks for the review America i will try to improve my writing for my next Chapter.