A New Fanfic- Need Reviews

[json243]

Hey guys. Due to the recent number of fan fictions about their SLO characters I decided to make one about my character, Hachemon Naro. I need reviews, since I kinda want to get better at it. Enjoy, and make sure the comments aren't too harsh  Also if i keep updating will anyone actually read it? XD

Chapter 1- The Watcher

Hachemon Naro was just a normal Jonin in the Hidden Thunder Village. He was on a special guarding mission for the Daimyo of the Land of Thunder when his team of four Jonin was ambushed by a group of highly trained rogue ninja of the Hidden Snow who were trying to assassinate the Daimyo. It was just his luck that today, he had gotten split up from his team.

“Shit,” Hachemon thought as he was running through the woods. Two Hidden Snow rogue shinobi were chasing after him throwing kunai and shuriken at his back. Hachemon had been lucky so far and had only gotten slight scrapes as they screamed past his body.

“Just my luck that of all of the people to be split up from the group its me!” He cried in anger. "These guys are easily Jonin!" Suddenly, a kunai struck him in the shoulder blade and caused him to fall to the ground in agony.

“This is really getting annoying,” he thought as he turned around to finally face his opponents..

“Water style: Raging Waves!” Waves of water crashed through the trees, knocking them down. Hachemon landed on a nearby tree to see if his jutsu had hit the rogue ninja, but to find the area empty of them.

“Where did they go?” Hachemon ponders only to hear “Wind Release: Divine Wind and Fire Release: Running Fire from behind him.

“Shit!” Hachemon screams as tornados of fire rage at him.

“Water Style: Giant Vortex Jutsu!” His vortex of water crashes against the combination of fire and wind ninjutsu and creates a ginormous cloud of steam.

“Now’s my opportunity,” Hachemon thinks as he creates a shadow clone and jumps into a nearby tree. The cloud of steam opens up to reveal the two ninja with their katana out rushing toward the clone. The battle rages on, with the clone barely holding on against the two ninja by using his chakra enhanced blades.

“Now I have to think of a plan.” Hachemon thinks as he watches the battle ensue. He watches the movements of the ninja and looks for openings in their stances, and finally figures out their weaknesses. It happened at a perfect time, for just when he figured it out his clone was stabbed through the chest by one of the enemy ninja.

“Shit, we were just fighting a clone!” yells one of the ninja as they search for Hachemon. They don’t have to look long, for Hachemon then jumps down from his hiding spot.

“Before I kill you two, I want to know your names.” He exclaims as a murderous intent flares off of the two ninja.

“There’s no way that you’re going to kill the Hingo brothers of the Snow!” they exclaim.

“Ohh, you guys are the Hingo brothers. I thought they would be tougher.” This angers the brothers, as both of them charge with their katana. Hachemon brings out his chakra enhanced blades, and parries both swipes to the side.

“It shouldn’t be long until the opening happens.” Hachemon thinks as he continues to parry their attacks.

“There!” He mentally screams as he finds the opening. He ducks to the ground as the Hingo brothers swipe simultaneously their katana to the ground. Without Hachemon to parry their blows, their momentum brings their swords down, causing them to stick into the ground. He then uses that moment to swipe his blades up, stabbing the brothers simultaneously in the chest.

“How did you do that?” One of them exclaims with pain contorted on his face.
“When you were fighting my shadow clone, I watched you every moment and realized that you had a weakness. When you two simultaneously swipe to the ground with you katana, it leaves your chests wide open.”

“Curse you!” They both exclaim as they both pull out paper bombs. “If were going to die, your going to die with us!” They both exclaim as they use their hands to create the “Snake” hand sign.

“Damn!” Hachemon exclaims as he creates a shadow clone and throws himself out of the blast radius, killing the clone instead of the real self.

“I knew I should have stayed in bed.” He says as he starts to walk back to where his team should be, but fails to notice someone in the trees watching his every move with a gleam of amusement in his eyes.

[Kai]

Great story!, i would definitely read it if you carry on

[Reminance]

I loved reading this, And i dont read much xD (Like books and story's)
Keep creating more i will read on
Nothing to complain about just keep writing :3

[json243]

Ok heres Chapter 2- The Meeting. Any thoughts would be helpful. Its slower than the first chapter.

Hachemon had been walking for hours trying to find his teammates. He eventually finds the road on which the caravan the Daimyo had been traveling, only to find a horrific sight. Upon him was the sight of bodies strewn everywhere, his teammates and the Daimyo. He quickly rushed over to see what happened.

“Hachemon.” Said a voice weakly. He looks over to the body of his teammate, genin teammate, and best friend only to find a body with kunai stuck in his chest and a massive hole blown into his shoulder.

“Kazuka! Are you all right? I need to find a medic!”

“No Hachemon. It’s too late. I’m losing too much blood at too quick of a pace. You have to report this to the council and the Kaminarikage as soon as possible. This will throw the Land of Thunder into an uproar.”

“What happened to you guys? I can’t believe this happened!” Hachemon cried out.

“We were attacked by twelve rogue ninja suddenly. I saw you run off with two of them, who looked the strongest, but we couldn’t fare against the rest. Akira took down two before he was stabbed by a katana, Jirou took down one before an earth spike impaled him, and I took down three before some weird lightning jutsu impaled my shoulder. I was the only one to survive. When I came to the Daimyo and his assistants had all been slaughtered. It was horrible.”

“Im so sorry! This is all my fault! If I had just stayed with you gu-”

“No.” Kazuka stated. You did your best. I’m sorry I can’t be here to have more fun times with you, or to grow old with you.”

“NO!” screamed Hachemon. “Don’t talk like this. Your going to make it out of this alive!”

“Live your life to the fullest. Make sure to report this now. It is more important. Now leave!”

Hachemon turns around and runs off, only to hesitantly look back and see the sight of his best friend, Kazuka, take one last breath and slump to the ground with a pool of blood around him.

“No!” screamed Hachemon. “Why did it have to happen to Kazuka!”

Hachemon then sprints towards the Hidden Thunder blinded by sadness and fury. Once he reaches the Kaminarikage’s office, he slams open the door.

“Hey you need to kno-” she trails off once she see’s Hachemon pouring tears of rage and sadness.

“What happened out there Hachemon? You’re not supposed to be back from your mission for another four days?”

“He’s dead.” He states coldly.

“The Daimyo?” she replies

“Not just the Daimyo, but Kazuka, Jirou, Akira, and all of the Daiymo’s assistants.

“What happened?”

“We were ambushed by the Hingo brothers and ten other rogue ninja from the Hidden Snow.”

“Are they all dead?” she asks

“I killed the Hingo brothers, but only six of the other ten were killed by Kazuka, Jirou, and Akira. The others killed the Daiymo and ran off with his possesions.”

“That is horrible. I must notify the council. This will cause an uproar all over the Land of Thunder. I also must notify Nami No Kishi. You may leave and have a two-week vacation. We need you out there. Rest up.”

“Thank you Lady Kaminarikage. Who is Nami No Kishi? I have never heard of them.”

“Nami No Kishi is an organization of shinobi who have left their villages legally to hunt down and execute rogue shinobi such as the ones you faced today. One way to depict them is the fact that they wear blue cloaks with a symbol on them.”

“Interesting. If I may, I am going to leave now. Have a good day Lady Kaminarikage.”

“As well.” She replies

Hachemon then sets off to his apartment to get some sleep. When he steps out of the Kaminarikage’s office, it is cold and dark out. On his way home, he senses a presence behind him. Slipping his chakra blades into his hands, he walks more quickly. When the person keeps up, he turns around, chakra blades activated.

“Who’s there!” Hachemon yells.

“I’m impressed that you could sense me.” a figure states as he slowly walks out from the shadows and into the street light. “My name is Nagare Hano.”

Hachemon then notices the fact that he is wearing a cloak with a symbol on it.

“You’re from Nami No Kishi, aren’t you?”

“Yes, yes I am. How did you know?”

“I noticed the cloak that you had on, and it perfectly fits the description of the cloak Lady Kaminarikage gave me.”

“Interesting. You have a keen eye. I came here to ask you to join Nami No Kishi.”

“Why would you want a normal Jonin like me to join your organization?” questioned Hachemon.

I watched your battle with the Hingo brothers today, and I believe you would make a great impact on our orginiazation.”

“Give me a day to think about your offer.” Replies Hachemon.

“As you wish. I will meet you here at sunset tomorrow to await your answer.” In a flash, he suddenly disappears.

“God this has been a long day.” Hachemon thinks as he walks into his apartment and passes out on his bed.

[json243]

Will anyone read it if I keep posting the chapters?

[Itzal]

Yh I think it's great. 

[Mars]

Nicely written man, I'd love to see more!

[CaptainSpoon]

Amazing, keep on writing!!!

[Reminance]

One piece of advice. check what you wrote for spelling errors and such.
Other than that great chapter
Im curious for the next one :3

[json243]

One piece of advice. check what you wrote for spelling errors and such.
Other than that great chapter
Im curious for the next one :3

It'll come out tonight

[json243]

Heres Chapter 3- The beginning of Nami No Kishi. Again Reviews would be helpful. Thanks

The next morning, Hachemon wakes up in his bed with a major headache. He slowly adjusts to the light in his room, and sits on the edge of his bed rubbing his eyes. Slowly memories from the day before flood into his mind. Kazuka’s death, the meeting with the Kaminarikage, and lastly the meeting with the strange man. He quickly hops into the shower and after puts on a clean pair of clothes. Then he leaves his apartment to go to his favorite restaurant, Katsu Sushi. He walks up to the counter and quickly see’s Katsu working on some sushi.

“Hey Katsu.” Hachemon says.

“Oh hey Hachemon. How’s it going today? Where’s Kazuka today? You guys never come in alone.”

One look at Hachemon and Katsu realizes what happened.

“Oh my, I’m so sorry son. Here, the sushi is on the house today.”

“Thanks Katsu.” He quickly eats the sushi and then leaves, not wanting Katsu to see the tears in his eyes. He slowly then walks towards the wall of the village, wanting to go on a walk. Once he reaches the wall, he quickly uses chakra to run up the wall and sit on it. It was his favorite place in the village, for the view was for miles. While up on the wall, he pondered the thought of joining Nami No Kishi. The fact that he could be hunting criminals who could cause the pain he was feeling right now to others made him seriously consider it. He hopped down from the wall when it was sunset, and walked to the place he had met Nagare the night before. When he reached there, Nagare was already waiting, leaning against a streetlamp with a bored expression.

“Your la-”

“I want to join.” Stated Hachemon.

“Wow I thought I was going to have to convince you.”

“I want to be able to hunt rogue ninja who could cause the same pain I feel to others. Nobody, and I mean nobody, should feel the pain of their best friend dying before their eyes.”

“I know the pain you feel. When I was just a baby my parents were executed by ninja of the Hidden Volcano. Now lets stop sulking about our pasts and think about the future. You have to go talk to the Kaminarikage about leaving the village.”

“Oh I forgot about that. She’s going to be pissed.” Hachemon thought as he imagined the pain that she was going to put on him when he told her.

He walked up to her office, this time knocking on the door instead of busting in.

“Come in.” He hears.

He slowly opens the door and walks over to her desk.

“What do you want Hachemon. I’m in a bad mood due to all of this stupid paperwork due to the Daimyo dying.”

“I want to leave the village.” Hachemon states.

She drops her pen and looks up in surprise. “What did you just say?”

“I want to leave the village.” He replies.

“What would possibly make you want to leave this village? I thought you loved it here.” She asks.

“A man named Nagare Hano came to me last night and offered me a place of position in his organization called Nami No Kishi.”

“Damn that bastard.” She quietly whispers under her breath.

“You’ve met him before?” Hachemon asks.

“Oh I’ve had my run-ins with him before. That’s one sneaky little bastard.”

“Haha yes he is. So may I please leave to join him?”

“Give me one good reason to let you leave.” She replies.

“I want to be able to take out all of the people in the world who could cause the same pain as I felt after Kazuka’s death, and protect them from having their loved ones killed.”

She sat there for a couple of seconds, and looked at him and stated “Hachemon, if you leave you are by shinobi rule not allowed to say anything that could harm the village. Is that understood?”

“I understand.”

She then proceeded to sign the necessary documents to allow him to legally leave the village.

“Hachemon, I’m sad to see you go. You were a great shinobi. I hope that you live a prosperous life and protect the people of the world.”

“Thank you lady Kaminarikage.”

“Please, now call me Aimi.”

Hachemon then hopped out the window, leaving behind a saddened Kaminarikage. He walked over to the gate where he found Nagare leaning against the wall.

“Took you long enough.”

“Shut up.” Hachemon replied with a smile.
With that, Hachemon started a new adventure in his life as a Sanda-ha in the organization named Nami No Kishi.

[json243]

Heres Chapter 4- more action in it

Hachemon and Nagare had been walking for a couple of hours in silence until Hachemon had a sudden realization. He had no idea where they were going.

“Nagare, where are we going?” he asks

“On our first mission”

“What?” he exclaims. “I just joined the organization a couple of  hours ago and were going on a mission?”

“Pretty much.” He replies.

“Who are we going to be fighting then?” Hachemon asks.

“There is a rogue ninja from the Hidden Hill named Karo. He has been going around villages and ransacking them, killing women and children as well.”

“That’s horrible.”

“I know. That’s why we need to take him down.”

They walk for a couple more hours until they reach a village. They sit down at a bar and order two cups of sake when they hear a scream from a lady down the street. They quickly bolt out to see what the commotion was. Once they get on the street, they witness a man with a large sword on his back picking up a women.

“Put her down Karo!” Nagare yells.

“So that’s Karo?” Hachemon thinks. He was looking at a man who was about 6’2 and very muscular.

“So who are you?” Karo asks Nagare

“We are Nagare and Hachemon Hano of Nami No Kishi, and we are here to kill you.”

Suddenly Nagare pulls out two kunai and throws them at the arm holding the woman. Karo has to let go of the woman to dodge the kunai.

“Run!” Nagare yells to the lady, who then bolts down the street.

“Lets do this.” Nagare says as he looks over to Hachemon with a smile.

“Whatever.” Hachemon replies.

“Water Style: Water Dragon Jutsu.” They both yell in sync as two dragons made of water rush at Karo.

“Haha, you think that can take me down! Fire Style: Fireball Jutsu.”

The dragons and fireball smash into each other causing a huge pile of steam to be created. Once the steam clears, Karo is nowhere to be seen.

“Where did he go?” Hachemon questions Nagare when suddenly he is kicked hard in the back, smashing into the ground and then flipping back to his feet.

“Damn, that hurt.” He thinks as he watches Nagare and Karo fighting only using taijutsu. Nagare quickly gets overpowered, being pushed back by his massive strength. Hachemon quickly yells, “Nagare, jump!”

When Nagare jumps Hachemon yells, “Water Style: Water Fang Bullet.”

Huge masses of water rush out of his mouth at fast speeds, smashing into Karo and pushing him back. Nagare then falls from the sky and delivers a heel kick to Karo’s head smashing him to the ground. Nagare then tries for a kick to the back, but Karo rolls on the ground to dodge and jumps up to his feet. He then pulls out his four foot sword and readies it in his hands.

“I have to say,” Karo says. “I’m very impressed with you guys. You guys are the first people in over a year to make me use my sword “Whisper.”

He rushes over to Hachemon and jabs his sword at him, who tries to dodge it. He is in the middle of dodging when it disappears from sight.

“Where’d it go?” he thinks when he feels a sharp pain in his left leg. He looks down to see a blood stain above his knee in his thigh.

“What was that?” he wonders when he hears Karo laugh.

“My sword uses my wind style chakra ability to make it almost disappear, making it silent and invisible.

“Damn this is going to be a tricky sword to parry.” Hachemon thinks.

Hachemon jumps back to ready himself for Karo’s next attack when he hears “Water Style: Exploding Water Shock Wave. He sees Nagare riding on top of the surging wave of water heading towards Karo.

“Nows my opportunity.” Thinks Hachemon as he creates four water clones with the excess water on the ground. He gets all four clones to use Fire Style: Phoenix Flower Jutsu as small fireballs streak towards the unsuspecting Karo. The small fireballs hit all around him as he deflects some with his sword, causing dust to fly in the air blocking Karo’s view. He sees this as an opprotuningy, causing Hachemon to get his clones to slingshot in the air close to Karo where he shouts “Water Style: Severing Wave.” A huge jet of water pours out of his mouth, blasting a hole through his chest and killing him.

“Nice job.” Nagare says while panting.

“Thanks, and nice distraction.” Replies Hachemon.

“Now lets take his body and get some money!” yells Nagare as he picks up Karo’s body and starts to walk.

[Shintrixx]

Really nice, Pls write more

[json243]

Really nice, Pls write more

Thanks will do

[CaptainSpoon]

I would've cut the guy in half but whatever. Still a great chapter though, keep up the good work!